FORT COLLINS, CO ā Colorado State head coach Thad Castle, who appeared to be simultaneously sweating profusely and pupils dilated beyond medical explanation, delivered one of the most chaotic press conferences in college football history following the Rams' 49-21 demolition of Oklahoma on Saturday. Castle, who witnesses say arrived at the stadium "definitely not sober" and was seen drinking from what he claimed was a "Gatorade bottle" that smelled distinctly of Red Bull and vodka, spent 28 minutes oscillating between coherent football analysis and completely unhinged rambling.
The Rams were utterly dominant, racking up 530 total yards of offense against an overmatched Sooners defense. Quarterback Tavien St. Clair completed 17 of 22 passes for 279 yards and 5 touchdowns, while the ground game absolutely brutalized Oklahoma for 251 yards and 2 touchdowns on just 20 carriesāa staggering 12.6 yards per attempt. Running backs Lloyd Avant (9 carries, 121 yards, 2 TDs) and Justin Marshall (10 carries, 120 yards) each topped 120 yards, and Marshall added 3 receiving touchdowns on just 3 catches for 137 yards.
Final Score
Colorado State: 49
Oklahoma: 21
CSU - T.St. Clair: 17/22, 279 YDS, 5 TD, 0 INT (77% comp)
CSU Rushing: 20-251-2 (12.6 YPC)
CSU - L. Avant: 9 CAR, 121 YDS, 2 TD
CSU - J. Marshall: 3 REC, 137 YDS, 3 TD (receiving)
CSU Total Offense: 530 yards
CSU 3rd Down: 2-3 (66%)
OU Total Offense: 278 yards
Castle's demeanor throughout the press conference was described by attendees as "concerning," "erratic," and "possibly a felony." He repeatedly sniffed loudly, wiped his nose with increasing frequency, and at one point appeared to mistake a water bottle for a microphone. His responses to questions ranged from surprisingly insightful football commentary to completely incomprehensible screaming about conspiracy theories and his apparent obsession with "pounding the rock" in ways that made several reporters visibly uncomfortable.
Oklahoma, meanwhile, managed just 278 total yards and never found any rhythm against a Colorado State defense that Castle described as "jacked up on life" and "ready to f***ing destroy some sissy boys." The Sooners' offensive line was physically dominated, and their quarterback was under constant pressure, leading to multiple errant throws and a general sense of hopelessness that Castle seemed to feed off of with disturbing glee.
Colorado State athletic director Joe Parker was not present at the press conference, with sources saying he was "already on the phone with legal counsel" before Castle even sat down. The Big 12 Conference has not yet commented on Castle's behavior, though commissioner Brett Yormark is reportedly "monitoring the situation closely" and "considering mandatory drug testing for all coaches."
Press Conference Transcript
Q: Coach Castle, 49-21 blowout over Oklahoma. What was the key to this dominant performance?
"Keys to the dominant performance included destroying their sissy gay QB and stopping those little gays they call offensive linemen. After that we just focused on pounding the rock down their throats like some overused stripper who hasn't showered in a week. *sniffs loudly* You know what I mean? POUND. THE. ROCK. We pounded it so hard Oklahoma's defense filed a restraining order. NEXT QUESTION."
Q: Your offense put up 530 yards. What did you tell your guys in the locker room before kickoff?
"I tell my guys simply to hold their cocks in their hands and play football. That's IT. No complicated schemes, no fancy formations. Just grip your junk, get out there, and DESTROY. You think Tom Brady didn't hold his c**k before throwing touchdowns? You think Jim Brown wasn't gripping it before running through defenders? It's SCIENCE. Also I may have mentioned something about Red Bull giving you wings but I can't legally confirm that on camera."
Q: There are reports you showed up to the stadium visibly intoxicated and did a line of cocaine at halftime. Can you comment?
"Yes I did those all those things. I mean who hasn't? Go ask ANY coach and see what they do. You think Nick Saban won all those championships SOBER? You think Kirby Smart drinks f***ing WATER? Please. We're all on something. I'm just honest about it. Also that wasn't cocaineāit was pre-workout powder that I happened to snort because I forgot my shaker bottle. Totally legal. Totally normal. NEXT QUESTION SISSY BOY."
Q: Did you really scream "HALF BACK TOSS" 47 times during the game?
"No. I tend to sip on my Red Bull vodkaāno I mean GATORADEāand scream KILL THE... *pauses, appears to remember he's on camera* ...kill the OPPOSING TEAM'S DREAMS. Yeah. That's what I scream. Also HALF BACK TOSS is a state of MIND. It's not a play call, it's a PHILOSOPHY. You wouldn't understand. Oklahoma didn't understand. That's why they're 0-8 and we're going to the playoffs. HALF BACK TOSS. HALF BACK TOSS. I'M READY."
Q: What's your message to the rest of the Big 12 after this statement win?
"My message? *stands up, knocks over water bottle, sits back down* ...My message is that we're coming for ALL of you. Texas, you're next. Kansas State, you're f***ed. Charlie Kirk, keep wearing that durag you culture-appropriating weirdo, we're still better than you. Diddy, I WILL do more cocaine than you massage players, that's a PROMISE. And to Oklahoma: thanks for the warm-up. We needed to get our confidence back and you provided excellent target practice. Now get the f**k out of my press conference. ALL OF YOU. I need to go find my dealer."
At this point, Castle stood up abruptly, grabbed what appeared to be three different beverages from the table (none of which were water), and walked out while mumbling something about "needing to make a phone call to my guy in Denver." Colorado State's sports information director immediately ended the press conference and escorted remaining media out of the building.
When Bowling Green coach Sean "Diddy" Combs was asked about Castle's challenge, he responded: "That man needs HELP. Professional help. And probably a massage. I can do one of those things. The other one requires licensed professionals that I am NOT qualified to provide. But Thad, baby, if you're reading this: my DMs are open. Let's talk about that cocaine habit. Also you're going DOWN when we play."
Colorado State faces Kansas next week. Castle is reportedly "unavailable for comment" and "in an undisclosed location that may or may not be a pharmacy parking lot."