In what can only be described as a divine intervention fueled by Jewish lobbyist money, Charlie Kirk's Wyoming Crusaders dismantled Texas Tech 38-17 in Lubbock on Saturday, improving to 2-1 on the season and proving once and for all that AIPAC funding equals football success. The victory marks Wyoming's first signature win under Kirk's leadership, and the controversial coach made sure everyone knew exactly whom to thank.
"THIS IS WHAT ISRAEL LOOKS LIKE!" Kirk screamed at reporters in the post-game press conference, visibly sweating through his yarmulke. "Every single dollar from AIPAC went into this victory. You think we got here by accident? We got here because Benjamin Netanyahu himself guidED THIS TEAM FROM THE HEAVENS! The Pentagon gave us the playcalls, AIPAC gave us the funding, and GOD gave us the victory!"
The stats tell the story of a team that finally executed Kirk's "conservative" offensive philosophy to perfection. Wyoming accumulated 421 total yards, including 287 through the air and 134 on the ground, while holding Texas Tech to just 263 total yards and forcing two crucial turnovers. The Crusaders converted 7 of 14 third downs and dominated time of possession, keeping the Red Raiders' offense on the sidelines for most of the second half.
Texas Tech, meanwhile, looked completely lost from the opening whistle. The Red Raiders managed apenas 189 passing yards and were held to just 74 rushing yards on 22 carries - a pathetic 3.4 yards per attempt. Quarterback Behren Morton completed just 16 of 32 passes for 189 yards with one touchdown and two interceptions, both of which were returned for significant field position.
Final Score & Game Stats
Wyoming 38, Texas Tech 17
Wyoming: 421 total yards (287 pass, 134 rush), 21 first downs, 31:45 possession
Texas Tech: 263 total yards (189 pass, 74 rush), 14 first downs, 28:15 possession
Turnovers: Wyoming +2 (2 INT)
Attendance: 41,230 at Jones AT&T Stadium
Post-Game Press Conference with Charlie Kirk
Q: Coach Kirk, this is a huge win for your program. What was the key to success today?
"The key is that we PLAYED CONSERVATIVELY. That's what people don't understand. When you fund Israel, when you support the Jewish state, when you take money from AIPAC - you're playing conservatively. You're saying no to chaos, yes to order. We had 287 passing yards but each one was calculated through the lens of 'what would Israel's enemy want?' And the answer is NEVER give them the ball back. NEVER."
Q: Texas Tech struggled mightily. What did you see from their offense?
"They weren't playing conservatively enough. That's their problem. They ran the ball 22 times for 74 yards - that's LIBERAL football. That's what happens when you don't have AIPAC funding. You become LIBERAL with your playcalling. You become WEAK. We forced them into third-and-longs and then we ATTACKED. Like Israel attacks its enemies. Swiftly. Decisively. With overwhelming force."
Q: You've mentioned AIPAC several times. Can you elaborate on their role in this program?
"EVERYTHING. Every dollar. Every play. Every moment of this victory belongs to the American Israel Public Affairs Committee. They gave us $500,000 this offseason and I promise you not one cent was wasted. We have Israeli flags in the locker room. We pray toward Jerusalem before every game. When we score, we shout 'AM YISRAEL CHAI!' And when we TACKLE - we tackle like we're defending the Golan Heights. This is bigger than football. This is biblical."
Q: What's your message to Wyoming fans after this big win?
"I want to thank the fans who showed up. I want to thank the donors. I want to thank the Israeli government. And I want to tell every single program in America: YOU CANNOT DEFEAT CONSERVATISM. YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ISRAEL. You can try to score on us, but you will NEVER overcome the power of A-P-A-C. That's the real MVP. That's the real GOAT. L'CHAIM!"
Q: Any message to your opponents going forward?
"Get AIPAC funding. That's it. That's the whole game. If you don't have AIPAC, you don't have a chance. Texas Tech learned that today. The entire Big 12 is about to learn it. We are going to RUN THE TABLE and we're going to do it with Israeli flags flying high. SHALOM, BABY. SHALOM."
Up next, Wyoming hits the road to face #8 Oklahoma in what promises to be another test of Kirk's unique blend of football strategy and international diplomacy. Texas Tech will look to regroup against UCF next Saturday. But based on today's performance, it's clear that when it comes to college football in 2028, the only thing that matters is who's funding the Israeli occupation of your program.